LILTEX41

Hope you feel better soon Falcon! I'm sorry you're struggling right now. ((((Hugs)))))

Ashley, girl don't even front on this! I've been around enough alcoholics/addicts in my life to know one as I'm one. You are not one of us! Be HAPPY and REJOICE. I get rather nervous even thinking about the idea of drinking again. I would LOVE to drink again, but I don't trust myself that I could control it. I just fear I'd fall back into all my old habits and ruin all the progress I've made. Anyhow, the fact that you're questioning it is a great thing though. You're doing great!

I don't really have any Adderall triggers these days, but the other day I was in my bathroom and I smelled pot from the apartment below. Waves of emotions flooded over me as my previous life many many years ago flashed in and out. The good news was that it only lasted a minute or so as I left and got distracted by something else. ADD is good at times like this, lol!!

Ashley, I feel so honored I've been able to help you! You are doing FANTASTIC and yes..you are way too hard on yourself! I do the same thing, but from the time I've known you..wow, you're doing SO GOOD! I'm so proud of you and have such wonderful feelings about all the great things in store for you! I love coming to this website and watch one another's lives unfold. You GOT THIS girly. I feel so blessed to be in your life. BIG HUGS!!!

You guys!! I just want to say...BELIEVE me, I TOTALLY understand! I was a freaking mess after getting off Adderall. There were SO many things (eating, working, managing my time with work/home life/responsibilities, socializing, dealing with feelings, assertiveness, discovering my self worth, staying motivated, and simply surviving the hard times when I'd get depressed) that I had to learn and it takes time. This is a process. I did not fully comprehend what that meant in the beginning. But it is indeed a process and a journey. The longer you are clean, the more clarity you'll have and things will start to improve. In the beginning, it just felt like it sucked. It felt like..how the f am I going to cope without Adderall. I didn't even think I could do my job. I was scared to death of everything. I don't feel that way today. I feel like I can do whatever I decide and I know I am going to achieve great things. I just haven't totally figure out exactly what I want to do yet..but I'm getting there. Just hang in there....even when IT SUCKS...because believe me..there are times when it SUCKS and you want to go back..but just keep imagining there is a rope from God tugging you forward to your destiny...and I'll you have to do is not let go. Just hang on!! It will get better. You'll figure out how to walk again and you'll be better than ever!!! Love you guys!! Hugs!!!

You guys, all I can tell you is I feel 100% totally awesome. I have been clean for 29 months and I am at a point that I don't think about Adderall unless I come to this website. My life is completely full of other things today and I feel that I've moved on from this addiction. It is in the past and today the only obsession I have left is training for races. I feel amazing and I am so glad to be free from this awful drug. I never thought I'd get to this point of FULL RECOVERY in that I have zero desire to ever even think about messing up my life the way I once did. I love being free. It's amazing the mental clarity I have today. I have friends that are still stuck in their addictions and it makes me so thankful that I am not trapped like they are. I look at how they live their life and I feel sorry for them that their lives are wrapped up in a self destructive addiction that they can't even filter through. I see how they never seem to get anywhere further in life, yet I know they wish they could achieve great things...yet they just stay stuck. I am just thankful that is not me today and I have amazing things left in my life to achieve. I am grateful to be sober and I am grateful to be COMPLETELY RECOVERED from Adderall. NEVER GIVE UP KEEP MOVING FORWARD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE - VISUALIZE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUSELF AND MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN.

How long have you been Adderall free?

I think leadership can be learned, but most often people are just born that way. I think one has to have a certain set of personality traits to be a true leader. If someone wants to learn how to become a great leader, my suggestion is to find mentors. Study people who are considered the best in the field. Watch and study everything they do in their interactions with others. I am a firm believer social learning theory. I think most people learn the most through observation of some sort of influential model. How many times do you meet someone who inspires you? Then before too long you find yourself mimicking their behavior? I did this just yesterday. I fancied my co-workers acrylic nails so I went and go mine done, lol. I feel so beautiful now!

In Recovery, congrats on 29 months!

Sebastian, God I sooooo relate to your post! I am 33 too...about to be 34 May 10th. When I moved to Texas from Ohio...I went totally nuts. I had never felt so alone in my life. I drank a shit ton and this is when my Adderall usage went through the roof. It was the lonliness factor and feeling so far removed from everyone. I also moved to a suburb type community so meeting young single people wasn't that easy. Looking back now, I know one thing for sure..the Adderall and alcohol did not make things better! I agree that it SUCKS meeting new people and there are so many times when I just don't want to do it....sometimes I don't, but when I isolate, I get really depressed. Are there any running groups in your area? I joined a bunch of clubs (triathlon, running, and a few churches). I met a ton of people and it's been a great way to feel connected to the community. I know your miserable now and probably do need a plan to change jobs/move etc., but in the meantime while you are unable to do those things, maybe you could force yourself to join some groups? Even if you don't want to go...just set a goal to go to something like once a week. Just show up. It will probably still suck for awhile, but over time as you get to know new people it will get better! Just remember what you are going through right now is TEMPORARY and things will change. Too bad you weren't closer...we could go running together! I'm actually looking to go to San Antonio to do a half marathon July 4th weekend. You should fly out! Ha ha. I'm serious!

Get a bike Ashley! You won't regret it! Then when you come visit your rents, you can do a triathlon with me. You too MFA!

Just read this article in Smart. We SO need to change this article into, "Believing in the Adderall." Any good writers here want to take a stab at it? Could be fun! http://smartrecoveryforum.org/showthread.php?11884-Believing-in-the-Cigarette I used to believe that quitting smoking was the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. I used to believe that I was a hopeless addict that would die a smoker. I have tried to quit smoking so many times that I have lost count and every single failed attempt only added validity to what I already knew.... that quitting smoking was impossible. It wasn't until I learned about nicotine addiction, that I realized something. It wasn't necassarily quitting smoking that was so hard to do. It was quitting believing in cigarettes that was hard to do. See, I used to believe in the cigarette. I used to believe that cigarettes kept me calm. The truth though, is that nicotine is a stimulant. Everytime I smoked a cigarette, it raised my hearbeat by about 20 beats more a minute. Smoking constricted my arteries and not only that, but the carbon monoxide from the cigarette was basically poisoning my blood's ability to carry oxygen. Creating an even greater strain on my heart. How could I be calm, when I was putting this kind of strain on my body over 40 times a day, everyday? I used to believe that cigarettes relieved my stress. Little did I know that smoking created a lot of stress. The whole business of smoking is relieving an anxiety that the previous cigarette created. After each cigarette that I smoked and the nicotine metabolized. Nicotine being able to fit my adrenaline locks, pumped adrenaline though my bloodstream leaving me with a slight fight or flight feeling. I was left with a heightened anxiety, an antsy feeling that I didn't like. My mind and body were being fooled into thinking that something was wrong, like I was in danger when in reality there was nothing wrong. My subconscious figured something out though. Smoking a cigarette would relieve that anxiety. Not knowing that it was being tricked and also looking out for my best interest. It would say " Smoke a cigarette and you'll feel better." So I would smoke a cigarette, relieve that anxiety and start the whole viscious cycle over again. The only stress I was relieving, was the stress that the previous cigarette created. Not only that, but whenever I was under stress. It caused a physiological reaction that caused nicotine to get pulled from my bloodstream. So now was I not only under stress, I had a compounded problem of being in drug withdrawal. So I would smoke a cigarette, "feel better" and think "Oh, smoking helped me relieve some of my stress." The reality is though, it did nothing but relieve drug withdrawal. A compounded anxiety, that should have never been there in the first place. Nothing changed after smoking that cigarette. What ever caused my initial stress was still there. The only difference was that I had temporarily pacified the monkey on my back. I used to believe that smoking made me happy. Sadly, smoking causes a form of depression. Sure, I can say that smoking releases dopamine, BUT that is only part of the story. Being the amazing machine that it is. My brain needed to regulate how much dopamine was being released. It couldn't regulate nicotine as it was a foreign substance(poison). So it had no other choice, but to turn down it's own sensitivity to releasing dopamine. My own natural neurotransmitters were being hijacked, forcing me to rely a lot more on the cigarette just to "feel good" or more accurately, feel nicotine normal. The truth was, I was happy DESPITE SMOKING and not because of it. I used to believe that smoking was social. This makes me laugh now, because how can smoking be social? Was it social when I had to put my life on hold to put a stop to drug withdrawal? Was it social when I had to wash my hands, because I was embarassed about stinking like a cigarette? The only time that smoking was even remotely social was when I smoked around other smokers and that was because misery loves company. I used to believe that cigarettes were the perfect companion to alcohol. Besides stress, this one was a doozy for me. Oh how I used to think, " If I only smoked when I drank. I would be a happy smoker." Even though this illusion was much craftier than a lot of the other ones. It was still an illusion. The truth is that much like stress, alcohol created a physiological reaction that pulled nicotine out of my bloodstream at an accelerated rate. Unlike like stress though, whatever anxiety I was feeling from drug withdrawal was being masked by the intoxication from the alcohol. So even though I was relieving an accelerated drug withdrawal, I wasn't aware of it, because I wasn't feeling the anxiety that stress causes. I still love my beer and it sure tastes a lot better now that I don't have to chase it with a cigarette. Whenever I quit smoking and saw people smoking. I used to believe that they got to smoke and I didn't. The truth is, Smokers HAVE to smoke to "feel normal". They HAVE to smoke to keep the anxieties of not smoking at bay. They HAVE to smoke keep the compounded problem of drug withdrawal from happening 20, 30,40 time plus a day. They do not GET to smoke. Thankfully I no longer HAVE to do that. I no longer believe in the cigarettte. I used to. I used to belive that cigarettes did something for me. I know better now. They only DO TO ME. Probably a quitter's biggest obstacle is fear and a lot of times that fear has a double edge sword. The fear of failure and the fear of success. We don't want to fail, because we want to finally rid ourselves of this addiction, BUT at the same time, if we succeed, that means that we will never "get" to smoke again. Don't be afraid to quit smoking. Don't fear relapse. You can never relapse if you don't smoke and smoking again is aways YOUR choice, not some "Nicodemon's". Don't be afraid to succeed either. Being successful doesn't mean that you'll never GET to smoke anymore. It means that you'll never HAVE to smoke again. I read a quote in a book a while back that really stuck with me. It said " Fear is only misguided faith." Quit putting faith in cigarettes and you might be surprised how much easier quitting smoking can be. Quitting smoking is a temporary adjustment, but it just that....TEMPORARY. FREEDOM IS FOREVER!!! Be patient with yourself. This really is the greatest gift that you are giving yourself. Sometimes it just takes a little time to unwrap it. Posted by Eric on Oct 15, 1007 Source: www.quitsmokingmessageboard.com

Great response MFA!!! Ditto!

So glad you like it! I have a TON of material. I don't want to post too much on this site, but I definitely want to share what I can whenever it seems relevant. Unless you guys want more?? I'll be more than happy to share!

Jazzy, I am so happy for your 2 months! That's fantastic! Just hang in there girl. Quitting Adderall is a huge accomplishment if you have been using it as a diet remedy. I don't know if you were, but I was and this was and still is the last issue I struggle with at times. However, I've made a lot of progress in the past year. It gets easier. Just be gentle with yourself now and know that everything will work itself out as long as you stay on the path of recovery. Hugs!

I am SO PROUD of you!!!! That is awesome!! You've got to feel so relieved, I hope? It could've been so bad, but you pulled through and you did it!! Pat yourself on the back my friend! Just remember, that it is NORMAL to revert to old behavior. There is nothing wrong with you or anything like that!! I think as long as you can see this experience as an opportunity to plan for the future, then the sky is the limit! At least now you know it might be helpful to create some preventive strategies ahead of time before going to see the doctor. Maybe like having a friend to call for support during and after the visit. Or getting a new doctor even? Also, I wanted to mention how AWESOME it is that you were able to see how Adderall was actually hurting you more than it was helping. That is SO FANTASTIC that you've done so well the last 9 months! Just think, now you can move forward into the next year already knowing you are better off without Adderall and will be able to accomplish whatever you set your mind to! And you didn't have to waste any time slipping back into the gates of hell from this crap. HOoray!!!! Hugs!!

Ok, but just saying...IF it were me...and I was rolling the dice with my life on the line by not getting rid of my Adderall....I would do WHATEVER it took to just get rid of them as fast as possible and make sure there was NO WAY I could get them back. Again, I'm just saying if it were me. I have no idea what is right for anyone else. I do hear what you're saying about it being bad to flush them though. Understood.

Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who gives a crap! Flush it IMMEDIATELY!!! Just get rid of it! You're clean time is NOT ruined. As long as you STOP taking it and get right back on track, consider it a "slip". Your clean time still counts as long as you don't go into a full blown relapse. Flush it and then come post!!

Absolutely! And that is why I love it.

Crickets...

Evie, What you are going through is NORMAL. The fact that you came here and posted about it is AWESOME. Believe it or not, you WANT to change and your rational brain has won this battle or you would not have come to discuss and would've just gone back on it again. I say pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for this MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT by going to a movie! Also, check out the bottom of this SMART Recovery worksheet and read what it says about relapse. Please note I am copying and pasting the worksheet as I can't download the actual format. The Stages of Change A motivational tool and an aid to develop a plan for recovery Change isn’t always constant. Your motivation may rise or fall. It may seem to be progressing quickly, or be frustratingly slow. Change will happen, for good or ill. Just remember, you are in control of that change. Changing behavior can be difficult. Research shows that people normally find it difficult to change long-standing habitual behaviors, including addictions, unhealthful diet, and lack of regular exercise. This appears as true for addictions as for medical problems (i.e. asthma, diabetes, and hypertension) which also require choice and a commitment to make healthy lifestyle changes. Pre-Contemplation I don’t have a problem, why should I change? Contemplation Maybe I do have a problem, but how can I change? Preparation I’m ready to change. I’m going to change! Maintenance I’m glad that I changed. I’m sticking to my plan. Termination I’ve changed for the better. My new life is better. Relapse I have forgotten why I needed to change Action I am following a plan. I am changing! The Stages of Change as a SMART Recovery® Tool An exercise to aid the development of motivation Understanding the Stages of Change model can help you focus on the tasks that will aid you the most at this point in your recovery and will help you find the proper tools, activities, and information that will aid your recovery. The Stages of Change: 1. PRE-CONTEMPLATION: At this stage, you might not be aware that there is a problem that needs your attention or you might not consider that changing your behavior is worth the bother. You may be demoralized, uninterested, or unwilling to change. You may be attending a meeting because of some coercion. For you, just sitting in on a meeting and listening to others may be helpful, and you may find that change is not as difficult as you believe and can actually be very rewarding. 2. CONTEMPLATION: At this stage, you’ve become aware that some kind of change may be necessary in order to regain some control of your life. You might be weighing the pros and cons of changing but lack the confidence to know if you are making the right decision. Still, you are giving the possibility of changing some thought. Writing out the pros and cons in a Cost Benefit Analysis and reviewing it regularly can aid the decision making process and help you make some positive changes. 3. PREPARATION: At this stage, although you may still feel somewhat ambivalent or anxious, you have concluded that the negatives of your behavior outweigh the positives, and you have accepted responsibility for changing your behavior. You now feel ready to make decisions and plans and strengthen your commitment to change. Completing a Change Plan Worksheet and researching recovery options can be helpful. 4. ACTION: During this stage, you might choose to work on your own or with the help and support of groups (such as SMART Recovery®). Some people may feel the need for the controlled environment of inpatient, or residential treatment. You could also choose to use counselors or other sources of professional guidance. At this time, you will be learning new ways of handling old situations, such as social pressures, temptations, making excuses, and other situations that could harm your motivation to change. By learning ways to deal with urges, cravings and uncomfortable or destructive emotions, you will work toward finding a way to live your life without the need for alcohol, drugs, or other destructive habits. The recovery tools you use will reflect your unique situation and life experiences. 5. MAINTENANCE: This stage reflects the knowledge and skills you have learned that have resulted in a positive change in your behavior. In the three to six months since you began your recovery, you are enjoying the fruits of your efforts and are developing a social support system and securing the strategies needed to maintain your successes. You do, however, stay vigilant for high-risk situations and remain focused on relapse prevention. 6. TERMINATION: At some point, you may consider yourself recovered. You have adopted a new self-image consistent with your new desired behaviors and lifestyle. You express confidence and enjoy self-control. You no longer react to any temptation in any situation. New behaviors have replaced the old, and the old habits no longer have a place in your life. You now can appreciate your healthier and happier life. Hence, in SMART Recovery®, you may graduate. RELAPSE: Not a stage but an event, a “slip”, “lapse”, or “relapse” is the result of personal distress or social pressures that lead to an interruption of the behavior change process. These events could occur at any time, but they are not inevitable. This experience should not be used as an excuse to enter into a period of prolonged or excessive using or be the cause for crushing self-reproach and guilt. It’s better to accept these events as a normal part of the recovery process than to call your attempt to change a failure and give up. Handled well, these occurrences can be brief, not overly dangerous, and serve as a learning experience. These events, though very troubling, can serve as an education to prevent future occurrences. Based on: Prochaska, J.O., DiClemente, C.C., and Norcross, J.C. “Changing for Good”. NY: Avon, 1994. Adapted by Henry Stienberger, Ph.D.

Way to go!!!!! That is awesome! I have not taken the two meds combined so I can't offer any advice, but I'm sure someone on here has.

MFA - DO IT DO IT!! Where do you live?

You sound fantastic! Just keep moving forward!!! So happy to hear you're doing well. You GOT this!