Doge

30 days confirmed.... well kinda. Today is technically day 30 but my ticker says its been one month (february is gonna be february) so screw it I'll jump the gun a bit early. Have been so distracted by new passion that I have hardly thought of adderall. Pair that with the fact that I've got no access even if I wanted, and I really feel set up for success. I regret my relapse greatly but I hope that a year down the road I can look back and remember the lesson that it taught me: it doesn't matter how long I'm clean for. I will always be viciously addicted to amphetamines. One is too many, 1000 is not enough. Thanks again everyone for your continued understanding and support. Took me about 4 months to bounce back from the relapse, but I'm finally back on track!

got a track, with me singing this time haha, if anyone wants it its in MP3 so just PM me an email address to send it to ill never be great but its fun as hell and a huge distraction from even thinking about adderall

I've been there many times. Only once I flushed pills and even then I still went back to them one more time. The last time I used them I used em till they were gone and never was able to flush. Remember to do more than pray. Take concrete steps to prevent this from repeating itself. Your future you will thank you for it!

such excited

Yes LILTEX we don't say it often enough. You are the best!

Yes it is normal when they are on it and when they are coming off of it. I wish there was something to say to help your situation but all I can do is confirm that what you are describing is indeed normal behaviour for a user. I wish I knew how to help. :< Please don't be sorry and post more if you have any questions!

Hey.. listen. Speed (yes that's what it is) is powerful as FUCK. We all totally understand what happened. I am the KING of relapsing and have pulled the dumbest stunts ever and people here are still supporting me. It's cause they know how it works and they understand. Same for you. Step 1) Forgive yourself. Seriously just take it easy. It's an addiction. None of us understood addiction (but of course we all thought we were too smart for that right?) before we got hooked. But now it's here and we're addicted. So don't blame yourself. It's out of your control. Step 2) Acknowledge that last fact. It is out of your control. So does that mean we're all doomed? No! It means we need to reach out for help. The people on this site are great for emotional support but none of us can do the one critical thing that is most important. We can't stop you from taking a pill when the cravings hit. And FUCK do they ever hit strong. Step 3) The only logical conclusion is that you have to involve other people somehow. Prescription? Tell your doctor that you are addicted and you want to quit. Tell him/her that your life is hundreds of times better without it, but because of the addiction you can't stop. Tell your doctor that exactly. They are obligated to cut you off. It's that easy. But it's hard as hell because it's so scary. "Wait, what about later when I'm not addicted anymore and if I want some... then i'll be cut off!" *ALARM SOUND* wrong question. You will always be addicted. Once addicted always addicted. You'll never be able to control it like you did when you first started. Trust me I've tried after being 10 months clean. Dealer? If he's your friend, tell him it's destroying you. If it's not your friend and you don't trust them not to take advantage of you, then tell them you got busted by the cops with posession and you think they are monitoring your phone, they'll be too scared to sell you any more. If that doesnt' work, threaten to rat them out to the cops (OK maybe don't do this if they are street dealers because those people can be scary). I don't know there has to be a way. But I'll bet it's a doctor anyway since that's how most people get their prescription. The moral is, you have to plan ahead for when the cravings hit, because when they do come (and they always do). YOU won't be in the driver's seat by that time. You'll just be a passenger watching your addict take over your actions and thoughts. Please don't be angry with yourself. Just learn from this and plan ahead for next time. We WILL get through this together!

Yes it is normal when they are on it and when they are coming off of it. I wish there was something to say to help your situation but all I can do is confirm that what you are describing is indeed normal behaviour for a user. I wish I knew how to help. :< Please don't be sorry and post more if you have any questions!

Well the good news is you have most of your life ahead of you. We'll be here to help get you off that shit!

yup was waiting for 30 days to chime in! Thanks for thinking of me! No room for relapse. Gotta sing tomorrow night!

I'm glad you didn't cave. I totally know the feeling of being afraid of yourself. I highly recommend taking precautions to make sure you can't get any from your colleague in the future. Can you just explain to them the situation?

It definitely will pass! That's so good that you are cut off and don't have to worry about caving in the future! Keep your chin up things will get way better soon! For supplements, I've heard people recommend L-Tyrosine and 5-htp as a good combo. Personally I don't like Tyrosine as it makes me nauseous unless I'm intensely physically exerting myself right after taking it but 5-htp is a really nice smooth uplifting feeling and worked great for me on its own. I've been taking them every day for the past week and I think it's been a great help keeping me thinking positive. It's reasonably priced and you can get it at most health foods stores. Maybe it's worth a shot? EDIT: I guess you said you are already on a lot of supplements and its overwhelming. Maybe suggesting another one is the last thing you need idk. Anyways hope you feel some improvement soon!

You're also no worse than anyone. Remember that. This doesn't make you a bad person! it doesn't make you weak either. He wouldn't hate you. And if he does.... It sure would be nice for you not to have to go through recovery alone. I hope you can reach out to someone. Anyways, you came to the right place! Let's make a plan for you to get off this shit!

I'm so sorry that you went through that. I saw my own habits and behaviour all throughout your post.... I'm lucky I was on my own, because if I wasn't I surely would have destroyed any relationship I was in. I am glad to hear things are improving. Sounds like you guys have a plan in place!

SO AWESOME! You must feel great!

have you considered giving yoga a try? it's zero impact which might be perfect if you have problems with your joints.

That's soooo true! That's the one easier thing about quitting stuff like adderall or even marijuana. You can just choose to distance yourself from people who do those things and you can systematically remove the triggers from your life. For a recovering alcoholic or smoker, it's EVERYwhere just thrown in your face. Look at these people enjoying this in moderation and how great they are enjoying their life. I admire sober alcoholics in particular for this so much.

So glad to hear you're doing well! I just went back and read your original post from so long ago. You have come so far since then. Keep it up! You deserve to be happy!

Yes LILTEX's advice is spot on. I feel a bit silly after reading it and then going back and reading my answer. I'm afraid that I was definitely projecting a lot of my own experiences onto the situation without actually having any way of knowing the truth. I just kind of got wound up as I was typing it out. I should disclaim that I'm still not quite 30 days out of the fog (I was clean for most of last year but had a few month relapse recently) so my mind is still foggy and easily manipulated by my feelings. Anyways, wishing you all the best. I definitely believe in happy endings. And thank you for the kind words dad! They mean so much!

If he stops, he absolutely will. And honestly from the situation you describe it will come back in a blast that can be so painful to him I cannot describe. It will be unbearable agony. To say that seeing yourself for the disaster you've become hurts fiercely, is an understatement. Oh GOD do I ever know what you mean. I would blast through my monthly supply in a few days (yes a few days you read that correctly). I would crash so hard I would be in a fog for a week. This worked out so I had several weeks to recover until I met up with my buddy who supplied me. I would put on a fake show to seem like i had it together to avoid having him get suspicious of what was really going on. It's something we naturally get good at. The fear of losing your supply is a powerful motivator. My style of use was similar to your partners so I can offer this: Every time I would go through this I would convince myself I would never do it again. And I would truly be convinced (this has literally gone on for almost 4 years, minus about a year total when I managed to get clean for small chunks of time). I'm speaking for myself only (but i bet there are similarities) but let me try to take you into the mind of a binge-user: The following stages are what I cycled through month after month after month. 1) be high as a kite for a while, avoid contact with everyone while being tweaked out like a methhead (at those high of doses, it practically is like being on meth) this can last for days depending on how advanced the usage has gotten and how much adderall is available 2) crash brutally hard for about 16 hours. during this time you brain barely works. in a weeks time this will just feel like a blur in your memory. don't really feel guilty for anything because you can barely think about it 3) next 72 hours (after maybe at least one good nights sleep) you start to feel a little better, convince yourself you are recovering nd wont do it so bad every again, actually hell, maybe you'll quit. but oh well worry about that later. too tired to think much right now. order pizza and watch netflix and hide form the world as much as possible and drag your ass to work if you absolutely have to but put in the bare minimum and be extremely irritable to everyone 4) after that, heart rate is returning to normal, feeling tired and unmotivated, but not so miserable. cravings haven't started hitting you yet, you can think a little more clearly. but just can't seem to focus on anything 5) about about 2 weeks of non using, you are just on a countdown until refill day, and it's all you can think about. you'll sit and fantasize about how much smarter you're going to be. only one per day, maybe two. well, depends how much i have to do over the weekend. DEFINITELY no more than 3 that's for sure.... yada yada yada you get the idea. 6) the day of the refill is all paranoia. I'm so worried that something will go wrong, my friend (dealer, for some its a doctor) will change his mind or won't be home. but I can't act stressed or he'll figure out how fucked up i am. I have to act like I don't give a shit. "oh yeah you're busy tonight? you're out of town? no worries, maybe I can just swing and meet you.. oh you're 3 hours out of town? yeah i'll just catch you tomorrow... or wait, no actually I was heading there too I'll meet you somewhere. Once I secure the supply. Head home and get ready to resume step 1. --------- You mentioned you are holding out hope for your partner. I've been single this whole roller coaster (thank god I don't have to deal with the guilt of destroying a relationship over this stuff) but you don't deserve to have to go through this month after month. It's not fair. I think the following quitting options are most likely (please don't get the impression that I'm trying to tell you what to do. this is an impossible situation for you, and only you know what is right for you): 1) he figures things out on his own and tells his doctor to cut him off, then he goes through a long battle of recovery (which is SOOO much more than just those brutal 10 days which admittedly are the worst) 2) you give him an ultimatum (this may be the wakeup he needs, or he may not even hear you correctly at the time and ignore you completely) if this were to happen, don't take it personally as it's the addict talking, not the person you feel in love with. 3) you go behind his back and tell his doctor that he's binge using them all in a few days and faking that everything is OK for the appointment (I don't recommend this, because he may not react well and it may blow up in your face and be even more destructive to you). Either way based on what you described, for him to quit will almost certainly require his doctor cutting him off permanently (which is a terrifying prospect for him right now). Based on how advanced his problem sounds, I don't know how likely the first option is either and you may end up getting to the point where enough is enough and you need to tell him to choose between you and the pills. And IF this is the path you end up choosing, I can suggest only the following.... Bring up the subject between stages 3 and 4 above, when he is back on his feet enough to be able to handle an intense heart to heart conversation like that, but don't wait too long after that, because once the heavy cravings start to hit you will be talking to the addict again, not his real self. And you need him to be choosing to quit. If you make him quit it just won't work properly. I am so sorry that you are being put through this. It's bad enough when you know you can quit at any time just by reaching out for help but refuse to. But watching someone else decline into chaos and feeling powerless to intervene sounds agonizing. I can't even imagine. Rooting for both of you. Please post back if you have any more question. With any luck we will have a new member here soon.

I would like to chime in here with some details because it's an interesting phenomenon how the brain gradually recovers, and although I hate that I relapsed it gave me some valuable insight. From my timeline over the past year I have learned the following: If I have access to pills and I've been clean for less than 1 month, I won't even be able to stash them let alone throw them out. Like I could be sitting at my desk thinking to myself concentrating on how much destruction it is going to cause to my life, and still not be able to resist. Gotta work tomorrow? Who cares, let's pull an all nighter. I'll call in sick or just go into work on no sleep tweaked right out. People will be able to tell that I looks like a haggard zombie? Fuck em what do they know. If I've been clean for 2 months or so, I'll be able to resist maybe a day or two, then a binge is gonna inevitably happen. For between 3-6 months, I don't know what would have happened. There were definitely times when I was vulnerable and there were times when I was feeling strong, but my willpower fluctuated. I didn't any have any opportunities thought, so I wasn't tested. After 8 months, the temptation was there, and I was in a few dangerous situations where I had opportunities but I was able to wise up and see how stupid it would be. Around the 10 month mark, when I relapsed last year, I caved because I was arrogant. Not because I was unable to resist. I literally and truly believed that I was "healed" and I could control it this time. This is not meant to be an excuse, just an observation of what was going on in my head. I had never been clean for this long so I had no prior information. Ultimately I failed to plan ahead and protect myself from temptation before I was tempted. If you wait until you you are tempted, it's too late. Point being, somewhere around the 1 year mark, I think brain function (particularly the part that looks at a situation) must be back to strong enough so that you can at least reason and think like a non-addict, and make choices according to your judgement. ISuvived and AlwaysAwesome: I think you guys made the right choice because you earned the ability to do so through perseverance and hard work during your clean time. During your recovery you rebuilt your frontal lobe (or whatever part of your brain controls decision making in the face of optional instant gratification vs long term consequences). This isn't scientific obviously I'm just venting my gut thoughts here. On one hand it's really terrifying how when you're in the thick of the craziness, you can sit there and think "man, this pill will burn my life down, like, this is literally brain poison and is going to totally fuck me up and everything I hold dear". Then 5 seconds later you can shrug it off and toss it down the hatch like you don't give a shit. On the other and it's really nice to know that you can recover from this (not from being addicted) but at least from such casual disregard for life-threatening danger. So thanks for being inspiring!

lol i think you're post influenced me because last night i dreamt that i stood up at my desk and saw a pill on top of my computer. i can't remember what happened after that but i guess it doesn't matter since it was not real.....

thats great that you flung that little bastard!

AWESOME! half way! the absolute worst part is over now! how are you feeling?

87 days is some serious clean time. you're flying through days now!