Doge

Try your best to just look forward and not care about what she says to you or thinks about you. This is your life. At the end of the day you have to live with the consequences of your choices so nobody has the right to manipulate you or pressure you into making a choice that isn't right for you. I know it's hard and that probably doesn't help much but it's all I got. Hang in there!

God yes. I smoked a lot of pot and ate a lot of comfort food. About a month into recovery I went out to pubs a lot with friends (I started becoming known as a bad influence on people, hehe) just because I was depressed and couldn't focus on work. This wasn't necessarily a good thing but I seemed to have shaken it and I am where I am now so I don't regret it. As for the first few days, having a few beers isn't so bad to help relax I don't think, just make sure you're nourishing yourself. Note: I wouldn't advice getting drunk to the point of a hangover, then you'll REALLY want to take more pills. Plus, you're body really needs to heal from being in over-drive. I'd say go with food everytime over alcohol.

Right on!!!!!

Enjoy the road to freedom. Relax and take it easy.

I have felt functional since 30 days. But honestly there have been lots of ups and downs; and I still don't feel like I'm 100% energy wise. As many people say quite accurately, "it's not a linear process". What I think people need to know is that although it takes a long time to get back to your old self, it does not take long to notice the rewards of quitting.

You're getting close to a full year! That's so exciting!

In about a month I'm going home to visit my parents. They've never known about my dark secret over the past couple years; most of the time I would go home to see them and just be coming down from a crash and I would dry out during our visit. They didn't know it, of course, but they always seemed to get the "luxury" of dealing with the shitty version of me. I'm really looking forward to showing them the new me!

Sorry guys I was really craving an eating binge and was trying to play it off as a joke, and give it a positive spin. It's really only as bad as you let it get. Plenty of that weight is muscle mass finally returning. My plan was, I would just give myself a buffet ticket and do whatever it took to escape from withdrawals, but also started a really gentle exercise routine. http://growingstronger.nutrition.tufts.edu/images/wallpushup.gif I swear you can literally start these as early as day one, and even then it feels GOOD. Also this stretch helped so much with my lower back which I'm SURE I did some serious damage too with all those 30 hour periods where I never left the chair. http://www.healthytimesblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/hamstring-stretch.jpg Yeah you'll gain weight, but your shoulders and back will stop hurting and aching all the time; and your posture will improve. You'll be able to move again and have faith in your body. I'm not trying to sell you a workout routine (sorry if it seems that way) but I'm just trying to say that one day you'll look back and laugh at yourself for letting weight gain get in your way of quitting! Everything gets better when you quit, if you give it enough time. Even the apparent negatives turn into positives before long.

The first time I tried it, my first reaction was jealousy towards those who had a prescription. How nice it must be to have (what at the time seemed like) unlimited access to something that seemed to fix any problem I could ever have. Fast forward to now and my heart breaks for people who were put into that hopeless situation.

So you quit for a whole year? That's longer than I've EVER stayed clean since I first started experimenting. That proves you can live without it! I'm only blunt because one of the veteran users here (quit-once) gave me a kinda harsh reality check and it really helped me take that leap of courage and finally cut myself off. Just remember that you never truly killed your personality, otherwise you wouldn't be here or even give a shit anymore. Adderall is just trying to smother you. But if you remove those handcuffs, your true self will eventually shine through again! And if you ask me, one day of pure clean sobriety is worth 1000 days of chemical induced craziness. I myself have barely been clean, and have yet to experience a craving-free day since I quit but even still if I were to die tomorrow I'd still be glad for these last 10 weeks of reality.

All this talk of snacks and pillows is making me miss those recovery days, which were almost fun in their own strange way. Anyone interested in a pizza eating contest? Whoever gains the most weight wins! I bet I can out eat all of you combined. *evil laugh*

"There was no "you may not ever feel real happiness again" label on the bottle." If only there were. It damn well belongs there as a legitimate warning.

smhjen: If you are willing to be honest with your doctor, and your doctor is good and actually listens to you, maybe you can discuss this with them and the doctor can help work with you to figure out whether tapering or cold turkey will work best. Tapering was not an option for me but I wouldn't write it off entirely (especially if your relation with adderall has been a long one). If you are cut back to half the dose and just end up taking it twice as fast, then you could let your doctor know this and you can decide what to do from there? Worst case scenario, it doesn't work, and you have to resort to cold turkey, which is rewarding in its own right. Because you get to start racking up "clean" days on your calendar which before long start to feel really good!

Make yourself a big serving of comfort food and drink lots of fluids. No matter how strung out I ever was this always made me feel better at least temporarily. Please see my other reply to your other thread.

Ok I hate to tell people what to do, but I'm going to tell you what to do. Having us read your posts (we are happy to do so and we will continue to do so!) and relate to them might make you feel less alone, but it won't solve your problem. Step 1) First things first, I demand that you stop being so hard on yourself. This is a viciously addictive chemical and it's not your fault that you were force fed them as a child. So take a minute now, go get a big glass of water (because we all need water) and just forgive yourself. I'm sure you aren't perfect (none of us are) but you do not nearly deserve all the guilt and blame you are putting on your shoulders. And while we're counting, my personal record is 300 mg in a single day. So if you did 450 mg in 4 days, I'd say you're being pretty responsible in comparison. (my attempt at comic relief). Step 2) Decide whether you want to continue in this manner, or quit. You say you are afraid of the withdrawals and facing life without your pills, and every single one of us can understand that. But it's pretty clear that you know this cannot continue. And if you'll forgive me for being blunt, it sounds like if you keep going the way you're going, things will get much worse - and probably not long from now. Step 3) Cut off your supply. I kind of assumed here that the answer to step 2 is that you really DO want to quit. But if you want to keep going, that's your choice and nobody here will judge you or think less of you. By cutting off your supply, I mean come clean to your doctor(s) and just tell them you are addicted and cannot quit. They will immediately cut you off (I know this is terrifying, but I promise that terror turns into freedom and joy before too long!). If we aren't talking doctors, and you're getting it from friends, tell them you need to be cut off and hope that they will respect that. If they won't, then they aren't your friends and you don't owe them any loyalty. Threaten to tell their doctor they are distributing their prescriptions (hey nobody likes a rat I know....) because you need to put yourself first. If your situation is more complicated, then tell us and we will work with you to find a solution! Use a private message if you don't want to risk ratting yourself out online. You mentioned that you don't work. Maybe this is a blessing right now because you will need lots of time to heal. There are a lot of good shows on netflix right now. Think of it as a vacation from abuse and try to enjoy the binge snacking and lazing around that your body and brain desperately need. We are your friends here, and we will help you get through this. The leap is scary but the thing is we all jump together!

IT IS NOT JUST YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE! If you feel that coming clean to your mother is too much to bear, consider telling your doctor? I'm pretty sure they have to keep that information private. It's scary to take that leap but it feels so good to be free. I PROMISE you that cutting off my supply was the ONLY way to ensure a successful recovery. Maybe it might work for you too? At least consider it? Personally, I have only told my 'doctor' and one friend. Nobody in my family knows and if I tell them in the future it will be 100% voluntary. We're your friends here, and we want to help! Please tell us how we can help you take that first step! Its painfully clear that the real you wants out of this mess!

"Get plenty of snacks and fluff your pillow." +1

Cold turkey. People who have never binged may have a much better chance of tapering but I certainly can't say because all I ever did was binge. As soon as I took the first pill, the compulsion to continuously take more would absolutely *ROAR* inside of me (oh yeah, and the need for cigarettes).

1) "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago I know that feeling. The honeymoon stage is what everyone talks about. But us addicts know that it ends very quickly and turns into a disaster, and by the time you realize it, it has this inexplicable "grip" on you. 2) after I realized that it was mostly the psychological side of the addiction affecting me, to a certain extent, I just gave up I can definitely relate to this too. At first I was relieved to realize I wasn't just the stupid person on the planet for continuously destroying myself when I kept swearing I would stop. After a few more relapses the relief turned into despair and terror when I realized that I had totally lost control and would never be able to control it. Much like you, I just pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and popped anything I could get my hands on. 3) haven't taken it since yesterday if I take another one now, I can just keep it regulated. This is the romanticizing that I have no doubt we all experience. It's like your mind just wants to remember how it was when you *first* starting using it. You want to re-capture that demonic productivity that first turned you onto the drug. You can use it to fix all the problems that have been piling up. But it's a lie. If we could control it and regulate it none of us would be here. ------ It sounds to me like you know you want to quit but can't stop. I was exactly there almost 3 months ago. For me the solution was obvious but it took me a while to finally gather the courage to do it: cut myself off. I confessed my addiction and permanently cut off my supply. My heart was breaking for you when I read your post as I can totally understand. We all want to help you and we are here for you. Just tell us what we can do!

That's a good one, and I forget it all too often!

That must have been horrible to go through. I can easily see myself getting to that point. I did get caught by the cops with over 50 pills on me, for which I did not have any valid prescription. Without the slightest hesitation I went and got 50 more the next day.

Oh man that one is creepy to read. Especially the screenshot of her texting her dealer. That was totally me. Ugh... it's making me want to send a text myself now..... *slap face*. No!

I was on it for 2.5 years, but I wasn't taking it as prescribed. I would binge... crash... binge... crash. etc. So I don't know how my recovery experience will compare to yours. But maybe this will be helpful, if you are wanting to try quitting cold turkey. The first 72 hours or so I felt useless. (I crashed on a 4 day weekend thankfully.) The next two weeks or so got pretty easy for me because each day I felt noticeably better than the day before. Also because I work unsupervised so I could drag my ass at work without hearing too much shit for it. Then the next month was hell. I was more or less just feeling crappy all the time. I'd have trouble sleeping, I'd start feeling exhausted by 6pm and all I could do was lie around and veg on the TV. This was crappy because it wasn't a true escape. All I could think of was how much work I was procrastinating and how much of a piece of shit I was and how I had fucked my life up. My mind was just in general in a horrible place. But every once in a while; but very rarely, I would smell a nice breeze, or just get a tingly happy feeling for no reason at all. At about the 6 week period I hit a boiling point where I was desperately seeking to get more addy. I went back to my 'doctor' who I had already asked to cut me off. Fortunately he refused to 'prescribe' me any more. This was the absolute low point for me. For the next 3 days or so I felt worse than ever. Then suddenly things progressively started getting better ever since. I recently celebrated two months clean, and I'm happy to report that the next two weeks went by really fast and things are still getting better every day. As for caffeine, be prepared to rely on it like a crutch. It won't be the same as adderall obviously but it will keep you awake at least. It sounds like you have been using for a long time, but you never mention upping your dose and binging at any point. This is a good thing. The physical dependency you will have developed will be rough to overcome. But for me this was the easy part (because I literally did it every month after I ran out way early and had to wait several weeks for a refill). The psychological addiction was a brutal battle for me and I still think about it EVERY day. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm pretty sure these binges are how you develop the psychological addiction for adderall, which lasts FAR longer than the physical withdrawals. ---- TL;DR Days 1 - 30: This may be counter-intuitive, but I felt good and positive even though I was drained. I was pretty easy on myself and just had lots of snacks and watched a lot of netflix. Days 30 - 60: I put too much pressure on myself to up my performance and these days were the worst for me. As I mentioned above around day 45 I hit my rock bottom (the worst I have ever felt since I quit). Days 60 - present: I feel way more social, and when I'm in tough situations I really feel like I **DO** have what it takes inside to get through them. I think about adderall every day, and literally consider and plot ways to get more. But the thoughts have been fading a lot quicker and the thoughts are getting easier to push away. Please post back and let us know if and how we can help! Welcome to our community! I promise you are not alone!

Not having to worry: am I going to be done this by the time my adderall wears off? I don't miss that tell-tale feeling where I realized my buzz was ending, and then being overwhelmed with the compulsion to take another pill to make it go away. And the thought in the back of my mind (and me trying to push it back further, even as the supply dwindled) dreading the fact that EVENTUALLY I'm going to have to come back to reality. I'm grateful that's gone.

60 days confirmed. (I went back and counted just to be sure.) This feels pretty good to post.