Doge

Mike: It sounds like the real you wants to quit. It might be the case that you never would have started the business if not for adderall. What matters most is what you do now. If you think you need you quit you probably will be way better off if you listen to this voice. Those pills are like a love potion (one of the articles on this site expresses that beautifully) they make you love things you wouldn't normally love (maybe even hate?). Either you will learn to truly and genuinely love what you do, or you will get that final push to go look for what you really DO want. Stick around you can do it!

Zerokewl is a Lannister!

Nice to hear from you man, I'm sorry you're hating it though. Glad you're hanging in there, 1 month is just around the corner!

Yeah I sounded overly optimistic with "No matter what I know I can still do awesome without it." I don't mean to say that I am feeling awesome (or even doing very awesome right now). I meant sticking it out for the long game. Trying to to a little bit better each month than the one before. I feel like adderall just bypasses the whole growth factor and shoots you up to a solid 6 without having to develop yourself to get there. In the long run, I'd rather be a 3/10 productivity wise now but hold on to hope that one day I can be a 7. What I meant to say is "No matter what I know I can eventually be awesome without it." And by "know" I mean "hope", etc. .. and all that jazz.

I think honestly it probably was diminished permanently somewhat. But I choose not to think about that. Instead I think about it like this: My FULL potential was probably diminished. But I doubt many of us really do ever fully achieve our full potential. No matter what I know I can still do awesome without it. I probably could have been more awesome if I never touched the stuff, but that's no longer an option. And dwelling on it is not productive so I have to make a conscious choice not to.

Day 6 confirmed

In my experience, creativity and problem solving skills are in stronger when NOT using adderall. But the mental endurance to keep going during frustration and stubbornly continue through adversity obviously is aided by the drug. If you like coding and mathematics while using adderall, you probably like it naturally as well. You just can't do it for as long in one sitting. But that's a good thing anyway.

Haven't heard from you in a little while, how are you doing?

Thanks for the support, there will be some serious cheese and cracker binging tonight.

Today was when the romanticizing really began. (The last two times I sought refills were both on Thursdays, and my thursday workday stands out as significantly different than my other days, so building a habit/trigger happened pretty quickly.) Fortunately I was able to put the thoughts from my mind without too much dwelling on the past. It makes things a lot simpler because I have zero access to getting any more pills now. Really glad I surrendered my pride and came clean.

I hear that though. I am fat.

It's all water weight in the beginning. Day 5 confirmed! Can't wait until that turtle is is past the 4 month mark and I can actually have some slight faith in myself not to be dumb.

Day 4 confirmed! You know what is delicious but shouldn't be resulting in weight gain: greek salad. nom nom

lazy

Adderall is the most viciously addictive of things I ever tried, and I don't think trying marijuana increased my chances of trying it. But I do believe that Adderall could be a dangerous gateway drug, when I stuck waiting for refills, I definitely toyed with the thought of seeking out harder stuff. Fortunately those ideas never progressed any further than ideas. For me it definitely could have been a horribly disastrous gateway drug.

a

Day 3 confirmed!

First of all, congratulations for destroying your stash. That must have been empowering. I am sad to say I never was able to pull that off. I TOTALLY know what you mean about "quitting every month". Welcome to this community, it's the best.

spaghetti

That was supposed to say "something to hold on to, and to make you hold out hope"

Quit Once: Your tough love post in my "relapse" thread from a couple of weeks ago was a huge part of my decision. The denial focused addict inside of me tried to ignore you at first, because I wanted to believe this would just solve itself. I relapsed twice more I think since then and your words were actually echoing in my brain (the parts about assigning *REAL* consequences to failure and sticking with them). I know it's only my second clean day, and things will get much harder soon when the romanticizing begins and the cravings return, but I don't have to be afraid anymore because it's no longer an option to act on them. I have had many cravings in the past during which time I literally had no opportunity to get my hands on pills. And guess what, they passed and I felt better afterwards. Two days ago during the afternoon, I was strung out (still high) in panick/despair mode after being up for about 40 hours straight and something inside of me snapped and said "this has to stop and if I don't act now it never will". I talked myself in and out of it a few times. The inner addict in me said the usual "Calm down, just wait until you sober up a bit. Things will look better tomorrow. Don't humiliate yourself. You can do this on your own. Get some sleep and think it over and if you still want to go through with it you can. Don't be hasty." Bullshit. ------------- if anyone else is reading this and knows what I am talking about, and wants to quit but is afraid. Do not listen to this voice. It is not you. It is not your friend. It doesn't want what is best for you. It wants to kill you. If you don't think you can resist temptation, TELL SOMEONE. It feels SO GOOD to have faith in the future again.

The body certainly recovers faster than the brain. Supplements are great way to help. I don't know if it's hit you but I remember during one of my few times being clean, around the 30 day mark I remember just being hit with a random wave of happiness. It was for no reason, and it didn't last too long but it is something to. Hang in there man we'll be counting months instead of days one day.

Just starting day 2, and feeling massively better than yesterday. Have caught up on sleep quite a bit. Eating a tonne of vegetables during the day is very helpful if even a little unsatisfying. I haven't gotten anything done really except keep myself fed. It's embarassing how good I got at coping with withdrawal symptoms because it became an ingrained routine for me. I'm feeling a little rollercoastery every time I think about going to work this week and facing the realization that people close to me now know my secret. But it was the right thing to do and I still feel relief about it as well. Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober. What a horrifying thought. I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore. It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control. It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.

Don't ever forget this!

This thread is awesome. I like reading the transformation. Keep up the updates! I used to do this on guitar and piano too, and I miss it. When I'm romanticizing that past though, my brain conveniently forgets the (possibly long term) damage I did to my wrists due to overuse. Imagine the pain of just not being able to do it ever again. Our body's have limits and adderall doesn't make them go away, it just makes us ignore them.