Doge

Sounds like you know what's up! Welcome to the forum!

If this were reddit post it would get gold.

To clarify, I'm assuming by context that FKADDERALL and sobrietysucks are the same person. If not, this may not make sense. You can totally turn back now, shrug this off as a relatively harmless slip, and flush what you have. Your 14 months sober are not thrown away. You know deep down that you don't want to go back on the pills long term. If you let this slip continue into a full blown relapse. It will be agony again.

And if you are anything like me, it already has. If you've already developed a binging addiction, taking one pill is nothing but torture. So returning to responsible use is not an option anyway.

you build up to it, in baby steps. mike wrote a good example, like pushing a giant wheel. it's hard to start, but once it gets some momentum it doesnt seem so bad

I hear this. There are good days and bad days for sure. The motivation will come. Just survive the mean time and be as easy on yourself as possible. It sucks knowing work is piling up though. Got any vacation time saved up?

That's an amazing demonstration of commitment. You've left yourself no place to hide from your wife. That's great that you brought her on board with your plan. You are awesome (Is your doctor aware of what is going on? That sounds like the only bridge left to burn.)

Thanks for sharing and welcome! It sounds like you are doing awesome and are on track! And good for you for going to N/A meetings. That is probably really helpful. I've never had the courage myself yet.... I know exactly what you mean about the cycle of self-abuse. Using them up fast then crashing and suffering. Only to JUST start feeling better again and go get more and start over. May I ask if you took any pre-cautions when you quit? Did you get your doctors to cut you off in case the really hard cravings hit in the future? They are almost impossible to resist for most of us. I'm really happy for your decision to live a life of freedom and glad you are getting your sense of humour back.

there are definitely some things you just genuinely enjoy before adderall, and then enjoy them even MORE on adderall. like say you are a gardener, and you like planting your flowers in a clean bed of dirt. well that means picking all the little rocks and debris out, which is a chore, and not really the thing you love. But it's all part of the rewarding feeling that goes along with it. on adderall however, you'll LOVE picking those little rocks and twigs out, and will make that into a passion in and of itself. so much so that you will pick every rock and twig out of the neighborhood while your plants expire and die because you forgot to plant them. just an example i think. But what you say is true, sometimes you already loved the things that adderall made you love

dreams where you relapse and go back to the pills are so creepy. such a weird weird weird feeling. had one last night where I met a new friend who kept feeding me a supply. I dreamt that I accidentally took so many I was sure it was going to kill me but woke up immediately after. so unsettling.... about a week ago I dreamt I started doing cocaine and picked up another addiction doing that and chasing a supply. sure feels good to wake up and realize it didn't happen though, and one day further away from that nightmare

Exactly!

you did it! this is such an awesome post. i'm so happy for you of course there are going to be hard times ahead but we're all here for eachother. and no matter how bad cravings get, they will pass so long as you don't have access. congratulations on taking the scariest but most important action of your life. I echo bluemoon's sentiments 100%

This is a great way to put it.

read what you wrote in your "about me" section of your profile

It was wisely said to me once as a warning: "It's your choice, but just remember - actions have consequences." Do yourself a favour, and ask yourself what is really going to happen if you do this. If you take one 20mg XR. You'll be productive for about 20 minutes maybe when it kicks in, and then your brain will go into overdrive screaming for another pill. All those cravings will return. Let's assume best case scenario, you don't get another until the next day, because your mom dispenses your medication as arranged and doesn't let you up your dose. If you're anything like me, instead of spending the day productively, you'll spend it plotting ways to trick your mother, or get access. Again, best case scenario is that you fail at this. But you will just be absolutely torturing yourself for absolutely zero gain. Worst (and much more likely) scenario is that within a few days you manage to get your hands on the root of the supply, return to your old habits of upping your dose. You spend 36 hours playing video games or whatever it is that you said you used to spend all-nighters doing when you were high. It won't be as fun as you expect, and eventually (VERY QUICKLY) that bottle will run dry, and you will be left holding your head in your hands, picking up the pieces. Trust me, I know all too well how this plays out. You have gotten so much stronger over the last year, but addiction-wise, nothing has changed. You have just forgotten how strong the grip is. Find another solution. Reduce your courseload. Change your major. Take a semester off. Drop out. Anything but this. Adderall will abandon you again and leave you feeling lower than ever before. Please don't do this. If you go forward with this, it may well be the turning point you look back on one day and blame for when you destroyed your chance for success in school.

I'm so sorry, my heart melts for you reading that. I hate to say it but it sounds like you are in a horrible situation that you just need to remove yourself from. He has a long way to go to heal himself, and it won't begin until he decides he has a problem. Personally I was not in a relationship because of adderall. I chose to fall in love with drugs instead of putting myself out there in the dating world. I have no idea how my story would have played out if that were the case. I was a binge user, so I spent 2-3 weeks of every month completely sober, and about 2-4 days per month on a high that would resemble someone taking crystal meth. My problem was easier to spot because of this despite the grip of my addiction, even though I did spend some time in a denial phase. With that in mind, it is worth mentioning that your partner's daily dose is roughly what I would go through in a two day binge, and was enough to turn me absolutely insane and I would take a week to barely recover. I don't say this to scare you, but If he's sustaining that every day, I can't imagine it... Maybe my tolerance was just much lower because I went through detox after every time I used. I wanted to stop for a long time but was unable to completely walk away because every couple months or so I would just get possessed by an uncontrollable craving, change my mind and go back to it and get high for 2-3 days, then go through the whole cycle of quitting again. Members who were daily users with high doses might be able to offer more insight. But for now I think you need to look out for you. I hope the best for both of you.

If you're worried about not wanting to leave if there is still hope, have you thought about the following approach? (This is just my thoughts at the moment, not to be interpreted as advice, which I am in no way qualified to give.) Give an ultimatum, either you go or the medication goes (but you'd have to be ready to follow through, as hard as that sounds). Even if he doesn't respond favourably at first, wait it out for a few weeks. Give the loss time to sink in. If I were high on adderall, and my "irritating girlfriend or spouse" left me because I was ignoring her. I might at first think "oh good riddance, that's a distraction I don't need right now". But it wouldn't be me talking, it would be the drugs. But we always run out of pills. That's simultaneously the best and worst part of being an addict. When the crash inevitably comes, so too will the stabbing heartbreak of reality catch up with him. And that would be the time to have a real conversation about it. When your partner feels the same pain you are feeling and can finally empathize. Again, just a thought. Take it for what it's worth. I wish you the best, and am so sorry on behalf of your partner that put you through this.

I'm sorry for the disagreement in this thread and I hope we can all get passed it. Nobody here has anything but love for each other, even though our feelings may get hurt I severely doubt that was ever anyone's intention. If I may chime in though with something I think is important here..... When I first became aware that I was undisputedly addicted to adderall one of the biggest shocks to me was to admit to myself that the detox period (starts when you are strung out, probably been up for days, just took your last pill and know you won't have any more for several weeks or a month) was part of the ritual I was addicted to. Sure I was addicted to the pills and hated running out, but the period where you just lie around in bed for 2 days, eating garbage junk food, watching netflix, and just recovering..... I was as addicted to that. I started to realize this when many of my cravings began with a memory of me stumbling through the kitchen in the dark grabbing food from the cupboard, only to stagger back to hibernate in my bed with my laptop. That wasn't so bad now, was it....? My point is that the feeling of sitting at your computer, typing out your story after a binge. Sitting there with tears in your eyes pouring your heart out, as painful as it is, can become just another step in the ritual if you let it. At that point it won't be helpful at all, but rather just another thing you robotically do as if under the spell of another each time you run out of pills (or flush them). Hell, I could imagine being addicted to flushing pills, believe it or not!! I could imagine myself portioning 200mg, planning out how I was going to pace them over the next 36 hours, and then setting a few pills aside so that I could flush them right before the crash. This never happened to me because for the most part they were much too precious to me and I didn't want to waste a single one. But everyone is different and creates their own ritual. As monumental as that moment was for you when you gathered the courage and strength to do it, and as much of a victory as it was in that instant, adderall can steal even that from you. The solution is to plan ahead and leave no possibility of relapse. Phone the doctor and tell them whats up!

mmm.. IKEA love it there. the food there is so cheap and good too. 1.99 breakfast! I've thought lots about the triggering situations, or steps of the rituals that I created for myself. And I've often wondered if you can ever "reclaim" these experiences so they won't be triggering anymore, but you can just freely enjoy them without thinking about drugs? One time my dealer picked me up and I got him to drop me off afterwards at Wendy's and I remember exactly what I ordered. After that, quite a few binges began with exactly that same meal, whether I was hungry or not. Once you learn how dopamine works, it all makes sense. I still can't go into Wendy's without getting at least somewhat of a craving. Other things are worse, like walking through the neighborhood he lives in. I know it's been almost 6 years for you, but did you experience any sort of craving? or was it all positive and you've been clean for so long that your brain just knows how to shut those thoughts down now before they fester?

TODO list -woofin -do the walkie -sniff other doggos butt -bork -make tail very wagging -take a sleep -find pupper bork more

got time for an afternoon nap? it sucks not being 20 anymore but a 10-15 minute nap is amazing and goes a long way when you didnt get enough sleep the night before

5 htp helps SO MUCH in feeling more positive. eating comfort food is so helpful getting through the "dark" days. hopefully things brighten up a bit for you in the next couple of days. once you feel up to it (as soon as possible, I'd say these are totally safe to do on day 1 even) try these wall pushups shoot for doing a few of them really slow every time you get up to go to the bathroom. but focus on perfect shoulder and back posture instead of how many you do them. do them really slow too. they just get your heart rate going a bit and give you a bit of a head rush (careful don't overdo it if you're still dizzy from withdrawls)

thank you for your advice. i need as much as i can get

yeah without cutting off my supply it was back to the same routine. binge for 2 days, crash for 3, then start early recovery. eat healthy, get back into life again, start being productive again after about 3 weeks, that would last maybe another month. then suddenly a switch would go off in my mind and i would tell myself its no problem to get some more pills I'm clearly not addicted anymore I've gone 6 weeks without any. a quiet voice in my head would tell me that I know that's bullsht but at that point I just wouldn't care enough and was prepared to accept the consequences. I've been repeating this since last november. sometimes I'd make it a month, sometimes two months, i made it almost 3 months in this spring but just fell on my face randomly because of one weak day. I just can't do it if I have access. I'm glad I don't now. I can't wait to hit that 4 month range. my body is much more healthy this time than it was when i quit the first time. so I am hopeful I will enjoy those recovery milestones maybe slightly sooner than my last timeline allowed. I was doing so great last year but threw it all away because of arrogance. I like to romanticize about the idea that people will learn from my mistakes but I know deep down that I refused to listen to anyone elses mistakes. I always knew on some level that I was making the wrong choice but didn't care. I don't know how to explain it but i think everyone on here knows exactly what i mean. it's the addiction aspect that non-users will never understand but we do all too well. again im going in circles but it's precisely the reason that not cutting off access permanently is a recipe for disaster. although I feel like I remember at least one member on this site was able to do it. I still cannot fathom it. it's the dark passenger that Dexter talks about (fictional TV show if anyone's not heard of it) when he goes to NA meetings (but is secretly talking about his need to kill people). you know he's going to wreak havoc on your life but you want him to on some level because you're already in self-destruct mode

I think this is key right here. Especially if you really got out of control. Most people just completely don't understand how that could ever happen (just like most of us didn't before it happened to us).