Doge

Once I did my first binge, I was NEVER able to go back to using responsibly. I spent two years thinking I could. Thinking you can go back to using responsibly is what sustains the addiction.

I used to be so jealous of people who had a legitimate prescription because I thought they didn't have to deal with that stress and panic, whereas I was dealing with unreliable sketchy people who would 'no-show' and let me down when I was desperate for a fix. So you guys had to deal with the same things all along. Who knew? Anyways, so glad we are done with that shit!

Yeah it probably matters whether you smoked or not before you started using.

I kept taking them and got crazier and crazier til I was driving to get a pack of ciggarettes and I don't even smoke. I hear that. And then I'd smoke the pack in 3 hours and go get more. Disgusting. Just like you, I don't even smoke!

I think this is a great idea. Sorry if I get a little long-winded here. For legal purposes, the following story is fictional; I made it all up. 1.) How much do you/did you use throughout your dependency/addiction? I can break my usage into five time periods. Period 1: I bought 20 10mg XR from a stranger, and they lasted me 3 months as I only took them occasionally. I was responsible, but it didn't matter. I have an addictive personality and I was planting the seed for later, when stage 2 would start. Period 2: About 8 months later I was desperate in school (on academic probation) and I found a different stranger who sold me half of his prescription every month, and this continued for about 4 months using about 150-200mg per month. I used regularly, but responsibly. Period 3: About 4 months later, I reconnected with the same guy and bought *most* of his prescription from him every month for the next four months, so I was doing about 300mg per month. But here is when things changed. It was summer time and I was working on me own schedule, so I didn't use responsibly anymore. A quote from my full story (here) "It was as if I could not bear the feeling of the drug wearing off anymore. I redosed every 2-3 hours or so until my little container was empty. After the first couple rounds I stopped even questioning it and it became automatic. Fortunately I only had about 200mg altogether or I might have just kept going until I OD'd and died. Of course after a couple of those redoses, I wasn't even being productive anymore. I was just sitting at my computer wasting time strung out like a speed freak." I would go through 300mg in about 2-4 days, and then go without for the rest of the month. This continued for four months until he said he couldn't sell me anymore. I was partly bummed out and partly relieved because I knew something was up at this point. Period 4: I met someone else who had a HUGE prescription, and this is when my addiction began to truly roar. After about two months of this, I even reconnected with my supplier from Periods 2/3, so I was going through 800mg a month. Again, this is all in the binge fashion. 200mg one night, then crash for a few days and hate myself. Rinse/repeat. These were my darkest days. By now i knew full well I was hopelessly addicted. This continued for about 6 months. Period 5: My supply began to dwindle as I was asking them for more than they could supply. For the next 4 months or so I was doing about 200-300mg per month. Twice during the next 8 months I was clean for about 2 months but then sadly I relapsed, thinking I could handle it. By this point I literally would swear off ever taking it again because I knew I could not use it responsibly anymore. It didn't matter though, because anywhere from 2-4 weeks later, I would beg for more, and thus reignite the cycle.. 2.) How old were you/are you and how long did the use last? I am 30 years old (almost 31). The first time I tried it I was 27. I was officially addicted right before turning 29. 3.) Describe the justification you had for your use during this time and why it was false/true/is holding you back? "Next time I get them, I'll just take one a day at the most!" Every time I binge and run my supply dry, I would convince myself I was getting clean for 3 weeks and thus curing my addiction. I thought I would have a fresh start every time, rather than feeding one growing addiction. 4.) Did you have any health complications, short or long term, from your use? Explain. I don't think I had anything extreme, but I refused to visit a doctor because I was afraid I'd go to jail, so I'll never know for sure.. I had the usual side effects: pounding/irregular heartbeat, sweating profusely, anxiety, panic attacks. Towards the end of my usage (maybe about early January 2015), when I was just getting into my binge (maybe 40mg or so), I remember feeling intense pain in my chest. 5.) At what moment did you conclude you needed to quit and why? Honestly I knew I needed to quit long before this, but I had relapsed time and time again. After my very last binge, sitting in front of my computer in tears, reading story after story on the internet from people just like me, I was finally convinced that it didn't matter if I said I would never do it again. I knew that in just a few weeks, I would be out looking for more. I couldn't control it. I had to tell someone. Then I did. It was that simple and easy. 6.) Lastly(and most importantly), what advice would you have to someone who was JUST LIKE YOU WERE/ARE(as if 1-5 matched you perfectly) browsing this page on the fence about their use? For the love of God. Reach out for help. Help is out there. I don't just mean this site, or other sites like it. I mean, do whatever you have to do to make sure that you will be cut off from access to more pills. It is scary to admit weakness but it is infinitely better than the alternative. 7.) What would you tell someone who is planning on getting a prescription for themselves or maybe their kids? And why(if applicable) I honestly don't know what it is like to actually have ADD but I really don't think it's worth it. In reality I would probably say nothing because 1) it's not my place to tell people what to do and 2) I'd be to embarassed to admit what happened to me But between you and me, if you are reading this and are considering putting your kids on it, I'm literally absolutely fucking begging you not to. It may not destroy their life, but it will do way more harm than good. There are WAY better solutions out there, they just take more effort.

Amen to that. Gawd I was so fucked. Did 300mg in 24 hours one time and thought I was going to die. The only reason I stopped at that was because I ran out. Ugh.... it gives me the shivers.

We all are your friends. Feel free to vent as much as you want; we all share our experiences and stories here. From what you described, I understand why you want to wait to quit. Like I said before, there is nothing wrong with having a planned date to quit (as long as you are not unsafe amounts, of course. in that case I would recommend trying to stop ASAP). Many of the long term success stories sound like they thought long and hard about it before finally quitting.

Honestly nobody could be sure without being ( A ) being a doctor, and ( B ) giving you a health exam in person but from what you describe I think your main battle will be to overcome the addiction (like every single one of us here, don't worry we can relate to that!) but as for long term health you're young and active - your body can do miracles for you if you just let your brain rest and heal. You're probably in a better situation than MANY of us were when we first decided to quit. Welcome to the forum! Let us know how we can help.

Awww. That's a sad story. I like your positive outlook though.

Welcome to the forum! There is nothing wrong with being strategic about your timing and planning out your quit.

"Maybe that teacher was jealous of you and was trying to sabotage you. Don't let him do it anymore!" +1 This sort of thing happens between teacher and pupil quite often actually.

Rooting for you!

I also used adderall to reinvigorate my passion for playing music. In some ways, any activities you do on adderall are "taken" from you in some sense. But I really feel that they can be reclaimed in time. One thing I found really helpful was to start with a new instrument; one that you have never played while on adderall. I'm pretty early on in the recovery process myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

Don't condemn yourself or be ashamed. Adderall is extremely powerful. There's always tomorrow. By the way, please come back to chat if you want to vent; I'm listening! EDIT: I typed the above before reading your whole story. Now I have read it in full. I'm sorry to hear about your father and teacher. It's really tragic that people's words can have such power to damage someone else's self-esteem. The way you describe the compelling effects of adderall is all to real. You say you quit for almost a whole year? That's impressive to me. I've yet to be able to stay clean that long.

I was on Adderall XR and Dexedrine XR. I believe that neither of them were generic. I could never get enough.

OK That's good to hear. I hope they go away soon!

ok now im mad

I only experienced mild twitching in my eyes and fingers, which has almost completely stopped now. (though randomly it flares up from time to time, but really mild and really rare). I don't know if you're experiencing a more intense version of the same thing, or if it's something different. Especially since you say you have a history of suffering from seizures, maybe it could be something else that you may have just not noticed when you were high on adderall? I dunno, but I don't think you shoud be too quick to just write the symptoms off as withdrawal, it might be worth visiting a doctor?

I can't stand the underwoods. They are vipers, even if charming. I think I really like the show because of the addicts in them. Doug, the alcoholic and Peter who is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. Watching their stories unfold is interesting. I really feel intense empathy towards them and their pain. I think it's no stretch to make the connection with my own struggles. It's kind of funny; to be honest I don't think the show is that good, but I keep watching mainly because I really am interested in Doug as a character.

I forgot to mention. Congrats on 5 months! That's amazing!

Most importantly, let me assure you that soon enough you WILL DO stuff. Just give your body time to rest right now that is what matters most right now.

Disclaimer: I am honestly a bad influence in the snack department. I may have overdone it, but I don't regret it.

I'm so glad you joined us!! You are a fantastic person. You don't sound crazy. Just hang in there and try to relax. Try to just forget about DOING Shit for a while and just BE. Every day you go without giving in to those little piece of shit pills is a HUGE victory and you should celebrate it (with a snack!).

I feel like my working vocabulary has been chopped in half. Amen brother. I do notice improvements over time, but I'm still not back to normal. I do, however, have faith that I will eventually return to my normal self. As for the voices, I don't know when they will go away. I'm sorry to tell you that. All I can do is reaffirm what you already know: they will never go away if you go back to the pills. Please don't do it. Things can only get better from here: remember that always!

Thanks Cassie! I've been meaning to check out bloodlines but i hadn't heard of the others before. I will put them on my list!