LILTEX41

Happiness

I agree. Alcohol is a drug and it legal. @ 80-90% of the US drinks alcohol because it is legal and our culture has taught us, "alcohol in moderation" is acceptable. If there were meth stores open to the public where you could plop down on a bar stool and do some meth, more people would give it a shot than now (possibly when intoxicated) and then slowly get hooked. Not everyone of course, but more people would try it if it were there and easily available.

Follow Up: Well, I did it. It was scary because I was freaked out I wasn't going to like him and I didn't. At least not enough to want to be any more than friends. Then I was consumed with worry about how do I get him to go home all night and pretend to like him so I don't make the situation worse than it is. It was not easy. My anxiety was prior to this date was actually legit. Maybe we need anxiety. Maybe it's really not such a bad thing. Had I not have been sober maybe I would've inebriated myself enough into liking him more. Maybe I wouldn't have had enough guts to make him leave at 2am and drive 2 hours home. Blue moon, I went back and read your post again just now. All I can say is that life is SO MUCH DIFFERENT when you face it straight laced with no pills or toxic poison to dull our senses. I am with you 200% about how hard it is to go out in social situations being totally straight laced. BUT this is such a WONDERFUL thing!!! We are FINALLY clear headed enough to make good decisions free of clouded judgement. We don't have to regret the choices we made under the influence anymore. That doesn't mean it's easy, but little by little it gets easier. This fear and anxiety you're feeling trying to figure out how you fit into the world now being clean is totally NORMAL. Please don't be hard on yourself. It has taken me 20 some years to try and get clean and stay clean. I noticed last night how badly I wanted to drink to numb the anxiety of the situation. It was pretty intense. I used the play the tape forward situation before he got here though and was able to get through it without having to drink. This morning I feel awesome. I didn't allow the fear/anxiety to overtake me. I reminded myself that what I was feeling was just a giant tidal wave of emotion and all I had to do was surf the urge and by today the wave would dissipate. Today it has. But getting a little exposure to the things that we fear is great. Like sticking your foot in the water. Just little by little we can conquer these fears one by one in life and come out stronger in the end. You said you just wanted the anxiety to go away. I hear you. That would be great, but I think it's a good idea if we start preparing ourselves that in life we are going to have obstacles. There are going to be times when we face stressful events, unexpected mishaps, and situations that are scary or seem impossible to get through. If we don't face them head on without drugs, we stunt our growth. We build up a dependence on these nasty toxic substances to pull us through and then watch our lives destruct because of it. Bottom line is that we have to face our fears eventually or we will never move past them. There is no other way around it. But imagine the strength you gain in this process!! This is REAL GROWTH and why this journey of recovery is such an amazing process. Much like a seed has to endure being stuck in the ground with dirt and fertilized with manure. It stinks and it's uncomfortable at times, but this is the part of the growth process that leads to blooming into the flower it was created to be. It's not always going to be easy. All you can do is hang on and endure through the tough times sometimes by the skin of your teeth, but eventually you WILL come out on the other side of it and BLOOM. For right now though, just know you're still early on in recovery and I think the best thing you can do is protect your recovery. IF that means isolating at times away from the situations that cause you stress/anxiety then DO IT until you feel you're in a better place. The last thing you want to do right now is throw yourself in a situation that is going to derail you and throw you back into a relapse. That doesn't mean you stay stuck in isolation forever, but just that you are temporarily doing what is best for yourself. Maybe devise a tiny social plan for 30 minutes here and there to build your way into longer periods of time. Like meet a friend for a coffee. Sign up for a new class or something fun where everyone else is a stranger too. Notice how everyone seems shy at first. Take someone with you that makes you feel comfortable in a big social situation. Just little steps along the way to build your confidence back up into your new life. It can be done and i have faith you will get through this. Well, on that note, Happy 4th of July weekend!!! Hope you do something fun and enjoy it!! You are still clean today and that's amazing! I'm proud of how far you've come. Doing awesome!!!! Thank you for sharing with all of us. You've helped me reflect on a lot today. Hugs!

BLUEMOON, I feel you girl. I am waiting for my date to show up and I feel this incredible sense of, "OMG, I get why I drank away all of this before. But as I'm sitting here waiting I've been able to process what is going through my mind. It's non stop fear and worry about things that have not happened, could happen, but it's all me just spinning my wheels round. This is where meditation comes in. I need to start practicing it. But what I've just understood is something big. It's just a matter of spinning thoughts about stuff that is not going on right now. FEAR = False evidence appearing real. I'm going to start mediate ing soon. I've never felt this worked up before a date, but tonight I am on edge. But I swear I am not drinking tonight over it. I don't mean to hijack your post. I just want you to know pills aren't the answer to any of this for any of us. I strongly believe that. I think fear is just a monster we create in our heads that can be overcome. You just have to push through it and do the shit that sucks and is scary and then it gets easier. Isolating is easy because there is nothing to fear. I would push myself in small incremental phases with socializing while getting off this drug. Like make plans to do something social for 1 hour and then leave. Slowly adjust yourself to the things that are scary and hard without drugs. You are doing so awesome btw!! Don't forget that!! You got this girl!

Actually, it might be better to do an alternative method of quitting (much cheaper and doable). 1. Tell your doctor you're addicted 2. Tell all your family and friends - ask for their support 3. Make a quit plan (cold turkey or taper) 4. Act on quit plan and turn to this site plus any other means of additional support you can find (smart meetings, na meetings, or whatever kind of support group you can find to help) 5. Don't expect anything from yourself for the first year 6. Expect to have LOTS of cravings/urges for awhile and be fucked up from wanting it so bad while at the same time hating it 7. Help others recover on this site (will always make you feel better and be a good reminder of why you don't want to go back on it)

I went to a 7 day detox program. I would suggest it to anyone trying to get clean for good.

Congratulations!!! That is awesome!!!

I think it's definitely just situational anxiety. I went through the same thing on my girls trip a week ago. It was hard being out of my routine, without a car, nowhere to go for a run, and with my friends while they were drinking (I wanted to, but didn't), and not having my support stuff I usually turn to on my laptop with me. I was having a ton of anxiety, but now that I am home I am better. The good news is at least you identified exactly what it was and now you can come up with ways to alleviate the stress/anxiety you are feeling. Maybe it would be good to just get out and go explore with your dog for a few hours a day and just take a break.

Any chance there is something in your diet that may be making it worse and/or causing the anxiety? Diet drinks, aspartame, energy drinks, too much caffeine or artificial sweetener of some kind?

Beherenow, How are you doing? I hope you are holding strong. I want you to know your post actually helped me last night because I've been having killer cravings to drink again. I haven't, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I could feel your pain in this post and made me feel relieved in a way knowing that this is just part of recovery we all go through. It helped me to be able to be there for you and I guess I hope someone new will pop up today that maybe you could help. That's always been one of the magic tickets for me when I am in a bad place. But another trick is playing the tape forward. Let's do this together! Alcohol Cravings Me: Imagine the first beer or mixed drink. Ahhhhh...great. Then let's think back to ordering the 2nd. And then the 3rd and so on. Recall the sick feeling from being hammered by the end of the night and then all the cravings that pop up for pot and speed. Recall how the ability to not give into those cravings gets weaker and suddenly I am stoned and/or high on speed. Imagine how many more drinks it will take to come down now. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with a blazing headache, dehydrated, and wanting to puke. Imagine the next day how I am exhausted, do not exercise, and waste the entire day being hungover along with feeling depressed out of my mind..that is until I take the next drink and then the cycle repeats itself all over and I am once again trapped in this addiction that supersedes everything else in life I care about and I have no other goals other than constantly trying to feed my addiction to get high. Adderall Cravings Imagine the euphoria of calling the doctor and finding out my prescription is ready. Imagine the excitement, racing heart, and adrenaline coursing through my veins to go get the next batch of pills. Imagine getting to the grocery store pharmacy to pick them up and running to the bathroom first because my brain has already signaled to my body speed is coming and my body is reacting without even taking a pill!!! Get pills, take a pill at the grocery store because I am so excited. Within 30 minutes I am sweating excessively and talking 100 miles a minute. I am flying around the apartment now cleaning and working excessively. Go outside and smoke a cigarette (gag). Drink 30 gallons of water to combat excessive thirst. 3-4 hours later time to take another pill. Repeat process. 48 hours later. The apartment is so fucking clean I could lick the bathroom wall and not be grossed out. Everything is in perfect order from my bills, to my sock drawer, to old pictures now perfectly organized in their photo album by year, time, date etc. I am EXHAUSTED. I feel disgusting. I am moody as fuck. I am depleted of every ounce of energy as I haven't slept in 48 hours. But I now have to go to work. I FINALLY got all my chores done, but it's too late to sleep. I take a shower, pop another pill. I go to work. At work people talk to me and I SNAP on them. I am paranoid, jittery, and my jaw hurts from clenching it so fucking hard. I am sweaty and tired as fuck. I have smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes in 2 days. I feel absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE. I haven't eaten really at all besides coffee drinks and a few bites here and there. On the way home that night I stop and get alcohol. I drink 6 beers and suddenly wide awake again. I can't come down. I smoke pot. I FINALLY fall to sleep for like 3 hours. I wake up feeling like DEATH. But guess what? It's time to pop another adderall and start the cycle all over again. It is now 3 weeks later and my body is like a shriveled up 80 year old woman's body. I have smoked 15 or more packs of cigarettes. Drank cases of beer and filled my lungs with weed. I feel SICK. I am out of adderall. I spend the next week asleep at my desk at work. I cannot keep my eyes open on the job. My apartment becomes a destroyed mess. I go into a zombie mode. I would die to get some adderall. A week goes by...my next prescription is ready. Cycle repeats. Play the tape forward without adderall: I go to sleep at 10pm. I wake up at 5 or 6. I run 6 miles outdoors and do some speedwork. I love being one with nature. I listen to music and I get a natural high from running. My heart is pounding and it feels fucking awesome. I lift weights. I get stronger. I take a shower and I am singing to the cat and excited to start my day. Drink a nice healthy power bowl smoothie. Feel awesome. Feel clean, an abundance of energy, and hopeful about my future. Depression is a thing of the past. I get SO MUCH accomplished in my day because I am clear headed, focused, and I feel well. I have everything I could possibly need going for me to do whatever I want in life. I love having amazing health and feeling good. I love getting faster, stronger, and not being sick and ill like I used to in my using days. Life is GOOD. But sometimes I forget all of this when I get cravings for drugs and alcohol because I am only obsessing about the first 10 minutes of euphoria I used to feel. SO I GO BACK and play these tapes all the way through. And here we are now ONCE AGAIN EXCITED TO BE CLEAN AND NOT HAVE TO LIVE A LIFE OF HELL!!! ***About to go run a half marathon now. THANKFUL I did not give into urges and excited to go do this! You got this girl!

IF you take that pill, I can guarantee you that it is going to ignite that old neural pathway fast and furious. You say you are not worried about making it a habit again, but I bet that's along the lines of something you thought when you first started the drug. That is the primitive part of your brain speaking to you right now coming up with any kind of excuse or lie to get you to take it. That part of your brain wants adderall and if you feed it, it's going to want more. HOWEVER, if you use the prefrontal cortex of your brain and do not give into taking that pill you will defeat the monster in your head. Separate yourself from the urge. Flush that pill immediately. You do not want to give up 3.5 years and travel back down that path. I know how long and hard you have fought to get to where you are now. You are playing with fire by keeping it and allowing the addicted part of your brain to salivate and recall all of the euphoria it brought at one time or another. Once it's gone you are back in control and have squashed that fucker in your head!!!

PLAY THE TAPE FORWARD - writing more...hold on.

Love after adderall is so much better. You can actually be present and real in a relationship. You are not living in the constant fear or guilt of your addiction. On adderall, your moods are up and down non-stop. It's hard to give love and be loved when you are an emotional train wreck all the time. Sounds like you're in a bad situation, Frank. I feel for you. But I can guarantee you there is love after adderall and don't lose hope. Maybe finding possible further solutions for the situation could help. A way to keep your child safe without having to be stuck in a relationship with someone you are not in love with. I'm sure there has to be a way. You don't have to stay miserable indefinitely.

So true about finding out what food makes your body feel best. Glad to hear you are feeling better!

It's just a slip. Don't let it derail you!!! Get back on the road to recovery ASAP and hang on for dear life. My friend, know that it was not you who failed. Your "animal brain aka lower brain" simply took over your "prefrontal cortex aka logical brain" and won the battle for a tiny bit of time. As I can tell from your post, you are now back in control and you don't have to let it win again. Play the tape forward and back if you continue to use adderall. First, think back to your previous using days and imagine all of that stuff happening once again if you continue taking it. Visualize the rest of your life addicted to this drug and how that will make you feel. Next, play the tape forward quitting right now and resuming your recovery. Visualize all that you can and will achieve. I know you can do this!! You came back to the site and posted right away. You know the goal and you didn't have a full fledged relapse. You are doing better than ever as your slips are no longer sucking you back all the way down to the bottomless pit of suffering and despair. So glad you are back and please stay with us! Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way! Hugs!

Good luck Frank!!! You are strong!!! You got this!!

Me too!!! Now I only get them maybe once a year, but oddly enough they still come back from time to time. They have always scared the crap out of me!

So weird you posted this today! I woke up this morning really excited about the fact that it is June 1st, 2016. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of a relationship that did not work out recently. It dawned on me that I have screwed up my past two summers in a row by jumping into relationships too fast when my original goal of moving back to Ohio 2 years ago to make a ton of new friends and get involved in as many things as possible. I am excited now because I feel today of all days is the hallmark of a new season in my life. It is time to start the next chapter and I am going to take my time dating around and just having fun! I do not want to get all caught up in something too fast and be up and down all summer long. It's time to just enjoy life and making new friends. So for me, my summer is going to be filled with hanging out with old friends, new friends, ton of races lined up, triathlon training group, marathon training group, field hockey club team, smart recovery, church, vacations, work, dates, pool time, holidays, family time, and just being outdoors as much as possible. Oh and hoping to write a book whenever I find an extra minute to spare. Very excited summer time is here and a new season is under way! What does it mean to you, Z?

Happy again

Awesome Z!!!!! Hope things are getting better!!

Love this!!! You just made me so big. I am so happy for you!! Congrats!!!

Let It Be

So great!!! Happy for you!!!! Congrats on 2 years!!!!!!

Hi all, Found a good video just now explaining the process of addiction in the brain. Video shows effects of cocaine and methamphetamine. I looked it up and amphetamines do the same thing as methamphetamine in how it hijacks the natural process of pleasure/reward seeking in the brain. I think everyone needs to watch this, especially if you are just getting clean. Do not beat yourself up if you feel down in the dumps and like crap for the first year off this drug. As you can see in this video, adderall screws up the natural way in which are brain produces dopamine by flooding the synapse with excess dopamine and preventing reabsorption of dopamine back into the presynaptic terminal. I did not understand this process until just now and thought I should share it in case others of you were not aware. This is good to know as to what adderall is actually doing to our brains and it makes perfect sense as to why we feel awful when trying to get off of it in the beginning. I still can't believe they prescribe this crap to us like cotton candy. Makes me sick. Anyhow, through my own experience I can tell you eventually the brain gets rewired after you are clean long enough. You will find pleasure again in the simple things in life. Just don't be so hard on yourself if you're not there yet. It is a S-L-O-W process. And for me it was only after just even having clarity at times when I'd suddenly realize, "Wow, I haven't even thought about wanting adderall for months now. Holy shit. Sweet." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VUlKP4LDyQ#t=529.438038192 Also, it's kind of funny, but I looked up ways to increase dopamine and found this article on wikipedia. http://www.wikihow.com/Increase-Dopamine Funny how it mentions you can get on ADHD meds, but then it gives a warning at the very end and says: Warnings Many opioids, methamphetamine and other illegal drugs can increase dopamine release. However, these drugs come with a marked risk for addiction, cause a loss of dopamine by releasing more than is produced, and they can disrupt the way that your body naturally produces dopamine. You can end up feeling depleted, hungry, depressed and even suicidal after taking opioids or meth. You're disrupting your chemical balance--it's like giving yourself a mental illness. So don't do it. [11] Anyhow, I just wanted to post all of this so that you all can stop beating yourself up if you have been about not seeing magic rays of sunshine and rainbows in early recovery. Just know you are not weak and there is nothing wrong with you other than you took a drug that screwed up your natural brain's wiring. Time will reverse the damage and you can function again normally, but it's going to take some time to get back to that. Also, I've been feeling really great living off my plant based diet. I've been trying a lot of nutritional supplements like maca powder, camu camu, and other stuff that has been great. I can't stress enough the importance of plant foods. If you can try to incorporate as many of them as possible in your diet, I think you'll start feeling remarkably better and have lots more energy. Eat the rainbow of fruits and veggies and try to stay away from all the processed and refined crap. It makes a world of difference. Cheers to your recovery wherever you may be upon your journey. I am with you in spirit and sending positive energy your way!

Hey little Alice, Welcome to the site! Glad you're here! So the first thought that comes to my mind after reading your post is the lies you have been fed about this drug. We all have. We are sold on this illogical idea that we are not capable or we are somehow handicapped in a way that we need speed in order to succeed in life. I swear on my life this is the biggest hoax of crap big business (pill manufacturer's) aim to get us hooked. The truth is we are born with a beautiful body, mind, and soul that does NOT need drugs to function. We are capable of so many things in this life and it is only when we get hooked on these chemicals that all our dreams go up in smoke. We lose the natural born capacity we have and begin to believe we are not functional without this drug (SPEED). YES, at first it SUCKS getting clean from adderall. It's a real bitch. Your brain craves it so bad and you feel exactly like you stated above. How the hell will I ever do anything without it??? But I PROMISE you, you can and will. I think the first place to begin is to start seeing this drug for what it is - an addictive TOXIC POISON. Once you can stop believing that it is helping you and start seeing it as something that has stunted you and prevented you from being your most authentic self, you will begin to desire to change. It sounds like you are getting closer to that and that's good!! Yes, it is scary to imagine your life without it, but think of it as the most beautiful and rewarding experience of your life ahead. Much like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis into a butterfly. That is what you will get back to going through this process and it is worth it!! The next thing I'd do is to draw up a quit plan. Make a strategy, call the doctor, and tell everyone you can you're quitting and ask for support. Figure out if you want to taper or go cold turkey. Come to this site and share your experience. There is a lot of hope here. I wish you the best and just know you can do this!!