Doge

I myself am in the non-ADD category. My attraction to the drug was born out of desperation for help during a seemingly impossible situation. It got me during that time (when in fact perhaps withdrawing from my academic program would have been by far the better choice) but then my use continued and evolved into a full blown addiction due to greed and ambition - so I'm not sure if my experience would be helpful at all. Maybe some other users can offer better answers.

You are the BEST. My hero for flushing pills that is like the hardest thing to do! That is huge proof of very serious commitment. I'm so happy for you.

Your story is a good cautionary tale. Being clean for 2 years is incredible! - but it's amazing how powerful *just one little pill* can be. The first pill causes the personality change, and you no longer value your sobriety. It's cripples all the strength you used to avoid getting that prescription, next thing you know you have a stash again. It takes so many days of recovery and sobriety to build a tower of freedom but only one little pill to knock it all down. :< Sorry just rambling now.... You have 3 and a half months before your program starts. You can be almost 4 months clean by then if you start now! Good luck and welcome to the forum!

This sums up my experience precisely. Me too. I'm convinced my relatively low age saved my life. If I were in my mid 40s/50s when I lived that lifestyle I'm sure I would have been dead.

I've probably already said this before in different words but the thought just hit me. I still have cravings often, but the power dynamic between me vs them shifted at some point during the 3rd month. I now feel much stronger, and I dont have the anxiety, or impending feeling of doom - like I used to feel like deep down it was just a matter of time before I caved. At some point between day 60 and 90 I started feeling stronger than my cravings were. Keep at it and you should expect this too!

That's the spirit! Welcome to the forum. Always keep looking forward and don't beat yourself up for the past too much. Just learn and move on. It wasn't the real you!

Sorry to hear about what adderall has taken from you. Did you quit? Do you want to quit? Are you planning to quit? Tell us more information so we can help! As for constipation cure.... I think more information is needed. If it's really bad see a doctor of course. Otherwise lots of fruit (and all the vitamins we tend to avoid when on Adderall) is always good under any circumstance.

I think the worst part about approaching the 2 month mark is that you have the worst of both worlds. 1) the lethargy from it still being fairly recent that you quit 2) you start to put more expectations on yourself because you're frustrated with not wanting or being able to do anything

there is something about the 60 day mark which was bitter sweet for me. after that the bitterness fades and the sweetness becomes fuller and richer! You are doing SO AWESOME you will see the other side of the hill soon, i promise!

So awesome that you quit for 1 month already! Congratulations! For me, the second month was the worst but things started getting drastically better during the third month. Don't get discouraged, you will still get a LOT better than you are right now. Promise!

watching the video gives me the creeps, especially for the first few, when he is RUNNING and EXCITED to the next blob, because the crashes weren't so bad yet it was no big deal to just shrug off and get back to normal afterwards it's especially chilling looking back now because that was the stage where I didnt' realize what was happening yet

I'm watching this video every time I get a craving from now on.

That sounds exactly like the hell I was living for so long. And YES you DO deserve the credit. Even if it was against your will you still survived without it! I know exactly what you mean, as sick as it sounds the crash is almost as addictive as the high itself. It's like getting to continually hit a reset button on your brain and just pound everything stressing you out to smitherines. I remember even during the first day of the crash I still felt relaxed (well, my brain did anyway, my heart was still usually racing) and entitled to just lay around guilt free. But then another 24 hours or so and all the problems just come back, way worse. If you've got a stash left, flushing it is probably the only way you will avoid taking them eventually. That being said I was never able to do that; and if i had a stash now I still probably woudln't flush it -- I'd stare at it and resist as long as I could and then eventually cave. It's as simple as needing to make a decision between life and death. That's the crucial step. Once you get that far, tell your doctor you're addicted and he/she will cut you off. As for the street, it may be a bit more complicated, but there are ways to make your dealer scared to sell to you. Get yourself past the decision hurdle and we can figure out a plan I promise! Keep your head up! The battle is not lost.

First of all, congrats on 3 months clean. That is huge (if you ask me!). It proves you can do it. So you messed up! Don't let it get you down. We've all fell victim to the temptation to "it's ok in moderation, now that I'm clean and not addicted anymore..... i'll be responsible this time and space them out carefully. I'll get so much done!" Don't be too hard on yourself either, our inner addicts are manipulative and very good at convincing us we're not addicted. The allure and romanticization is extremely powerful. The good news is, now you know what it feels like to get clean and you can do it again! Use these forums lots! Tell you doctor what's happening! You don't have to die taking it. Just stop taking it! Cut yourself off or have someone do it for you! Before all, get some rest and replenish yourself with food/drink. Then afterward you can make a plan to deal with the cravings next time they hit. You have to plan ahead for them because once they hit us it's like we are a completely different personality.

That is so awesome!! Congratulations! Welcome to the forum.

oh and its totally up to you and is a completely personal choice who you want to admit things to. personally, not a single person in my family knows and i dont think i'll ever tell them. if they want to judge me for lack of productivity during this time, pardon my language but fuck 'em! they aren't paying my bills

yeah i think the way other people see it is like "ok it's been 1 or two months (or whatever) you're clean now, so go get your ass in gear!!!!" but the journey is soo much longer than that, and complicated. it's hard i wish I had advice to give

Expect to be like this for a while: It's really OK. Go easy on yourself and eat lots of your favorite snacks!

That's awesome!! Keep it up it only gets better!

My productivity and daily ass kicking of my outrageous to do lists has gone.. I am now down to sitting in a chair for hours perfecting my twitter bio. Oh god have I ever been there. I used to take one, work for about an hour, take another one, and next thing I knew I was going through a months worth of a script in two days play video games for 39 hours straight. You can stop if you want to and we're all here to help, best place to start is to go easy on yourself.

10pm what time zone? I'm a computer nerd so im around all the time i'll try to stay logged in more

those pictures are scary (but the ones with the organs lifting weights are very awesome)

I just looked into wheatbelly and it is not exactly the same but pretty similar to what I am doing.

I'm really happy to announce my 3rd month clean. When I was around the 30 day mark, I was really feeling crappy about everything and deep down I just secretly wanted to get more pills - which just made me feel worse because I knew I couldn't get them anymore. I thought I was as recovered as I was going to get and it was going to just be self-loathing misery from then on out. I remember hitting a breakdown a couple weeks after that ( which I guess I just had to go through, and which is part of the process ) where I felt worse than ever. I even reached out to my 'doctor' (I suppose I can probably stop calling him that. The cops haven't been knocking on my door lately) and asked him to forget what I said about the addiction. Just sell me more please. When he bluntly refused I was overwhelmed with both shame and embarassment for showing such weakness and also despair as the reality sunk in that there would be no more pills. But after that things slowly got better for me over the next 6 weeks. In particular, the 60 day milestone was huge for me because that was more or less my previous record since I had become addicted. So punching past that wall was really empowering. My third month was extremely empowering. The following is the most important change for me. I'm sure you guys know what I mean when I say this - I still thinking about adderall every day, but it's different now. Something will trigger the craving. I'll start to imagine the rush of a pill kicking in, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I used to have these cravings and they would last for hours, completely ruining my evening with depression and anxiety. But now my brain has somehow trained itself to move on immediately to the inevitable result which is me sitting at my computer desk 48 hours later, heart racing, body shaking, eyes twitching, and me in tears as I lament the destruction and havoc I willing wreaked upon myself. The being high part in between is skipped. This seems poetic to me because it's not like I ever remembered that part anyways much more than a blur (and shit! it WAS NEVER THAT GREAT ANYWAY. The cravings are more like just fleeting thoughts now, brief interuptions in my otherwise more or less normal days. I may be overly optimistic here, but I feel like I am myself again, conversationally, socially, in terms of motivation levels.... The only issue facing me now is that last one, which is actually a negative. I am extremely lazy when it comes to work. I never want to do it and I am extremely un-productive. I am eating way better and exercising lots, I cut out the junk food completely now. I officially quit smoking weed two weeks ago which was hard for a couple days because I had come to lean on it as a crutch during recovery. But after the initial adaptation it was hilariously easy compared to the pills. I rarely drink now. And instead of spending my time smoking herbs or going to pubs I spend it in line at the grocery store or in the kitchen learning to cook new delicious healthy meals and snacks. All of these changes are fantastic and I'm really thrilled to share them with you guys because you made it possible. I've heard Narcotics Anonymous people say that a key step of their process is identifying the reason you first sought out the drug in the first place. If this is not done it will be the central reason for relapse. Well clearly my laziness is mine. It's the main challenge that lies ahead for me now. I'm choking up a bit as I type this as it seems surreal when I think about it. 3 months ago I would never have imagined I could get to where I am now. Thanks to all of you for reading and more importantly for holding my hand throughout this whole "painful but extremely rewarding" journey.

Congrats! That must feel great!